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*Matthew*
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Profile Basher C
Okay, the bad things:
- What Matthew wants is a bad yaoi AMV
- Blames his sexual preference on his mother
- Doesn't take his own advice "shit shut up you aint a poet" and continues the profile
- Hates spell check, apparently
- He's allergic to periods, or any punctuation for that matter
- I get the impression he thinks doing drugs makes his story even more angsty. Angst = cool.
- He's a tortured artist. Like Hitler. I'm sure he uses blacks and grays the most: THE COLORS OF THE STORM WITHIN HIS SOUL.
- He has cancer but can control it? I guess it isn't deadly unless he needs it to be.
- He named his cat after coke.
- His profile is riddled with photo URLs, assuming we'd care enough to see them, while also making the already hideously-written profile an even bigger eye sore
- HE LIKES NIRVANA WHO WOULD HAVE GUESSED!?
The good things:
- The picture is hot
This is a case of someone simply trying too hard to be "cool". He's a big ball of gay, drug abuse, and cancer. :\
Profile Basher S
Given that this person shares appellations with C's brother, I expected a certain amount of fail when I clicked on the link. But I didn't expect it to be a catastrophic level.
After reviewing the description on the video link posted under the field "this is what matt wants," I can only conclude that Matt is an angst whore. If you play with this guy, chances are that you can expect to hear many stories about his painful family life, about how his first girlfriend rejected him in the eighth grade, and how the combination of the two have left him a scarred individual with an addiction to cocaine. This is all somehow desirable.
The physical profile that comes at first is unpleasant enough to attempt to process. The surface hasn't even been scratched, not when it starts with solid gold statements such as "perfers men... sorry mother left when i was young call me resentful to the fairer sex" (blaming his homosexuality on his mother leaving), and "shit shut up you aint a poet" (already has the nagging feeling that this shit sucks).
A pestilent lack of comprehension pervades this profile, no place worse than in the main body proceeding the physical infodump.
Matthew is obviously a punctiationist. In all the lines that paint Matthew out to be the protagonist in his situation, there is not a SINGLE period. There is not ONE comma, not even a bloody exclamation point. This is clear and conclusive evidence that Matt hates punctuation marks. I'm pretty sure there's something in the Constitution about discrimination, but I'll have to double check, something that Matthew didn't do with anything he typed. This kind of swill I expect from my Irish friend when he gets shitfaced. Sadder still is that someone out there actually believes that this crap is worth someone else's time.
As can be gleaned from Matt's earlier statements, his mother was an irresponsible parent. I have to agree. She should have aborted him the night that she found out she'd been knocked up. Either she was an irresponsible parent, or Matt was a demon child that tried to snort his Elmer's glue in elementary school.
Matt believes himself to be a consummate bad boy. He did hard drugs from an early age, and he asserts that he can smoke pot legally in West Virginia because he has a 'script.' If he has a 'script,' which I assume is shorthand for prescription because it was too hard a word for him to spell, there is no law in West Virginia legalizing the smoking of pot, not even for medicinal reasons. He enjoys the spoils of his family's affluence despite his claims to being a 'punk'; dude, real punks don't shop at Hot Topic olol. Matt is an example of an ungrateful trust fund kiddy.
Matthew claims to be cocky, but about what? It doesn't seem to me like there's anything to be cocky about. Maybe he just likes to get punched in the balls. Maybe the real reason he's gay is because every girl he asked out lol'd in his face. I can't blame them, really. He's a prize, especially when he gets caught blowing a socialite's son in the school bathroom. You're rich, get a fucking hotel room and at least don't get caught. But who am I talking about? Oh yeah.
The last couple of lines in his profile are spent lamenting about his apparently-more-intelligent siblings and their appearance of perfection to his family. It's hard to claim that you're just the black sheep when you really are a fucked up em0 kid that wants an angsty gay relationship, who should cut down the street, not across. It's a huge sign that you have a problem when you name your kitten after your hard drug of choice.
I mean, aren't there other white things that you would be better off naming this adorable fluffball after? Cloud? Snow? Sugar? NOPE. Coca. Cuz she's white. LIKE COCAINE. Now that's an exercise in tackiness. I doubt we should really care this much anyway; by now the cat is as emo and gay as its owner.
After the notice that his significant other took a step in the right direction and left Matt, we are bombarded with a clusterfuck of URL's leading to pictures about things that no one gives a shit about. It serves only to make his profile look bigger and stupider, and it does nothing to make him look smarter with all the fragmented code strewn about.
One can only hope that he doesn't last much longer. Maybe he'll have a narcoleptic episode while painting a portrait of the sea in red and black and fall off the cliff he's situated on, or maybe his brain cancer (as that is what it must be) will go terminal. Maybe since he likes Nirvana so much, Matt will take the route of Kurt Cobain, who was a mediocre guitar player with horrible tone, a three-chord style, and a last name that ironically rhymes with "cocaine," taking some 12-gauge breath mints at point-blank. Fat chance of either, but one can hope.
The only thing I disagree with my colleague, C, on is the hotness of the picture. While that may be a matter of opinion, I fail to see what's so hot about a naked pink guy that looks like he's been woken up from his recuperative sleep after a car accident being strangled while drooling on himself. Unless C is into something I am unaware of, which begs more discussion off this website that shall not be privy to the lot of you. To me, his picture is yet another cliché piece in this collage of angst and fail, a collage of angst and fail that serves a better purpose by fueling the oil drum fire of a hobo in the winter. Only in that use could this profile possibly be redeemed.